I'm tired of looking in on your life, Mac
by HeyBaileyKay
Summary: Harm knew what he had to do. Shipper friendly! There are a few bad words in here which is why I changed the rating. This is my first fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: Sorry I couldn't paste the lyrics of the song into my story. Unfortunately they're copyrighted. If you want to know the exact lyrics I was thinking of, just listen to "Two Is Better Than One" by Boys Like Girls.**

**Also, beware of "potty words." There are only a few bad words and I use them only when the story calls for them as necessary.**

**I originally wrote this story as a one-shot, but Lil-Miss-DiNozzo78 insisted that I continue writing on it. So here I am, still writing. I know how frustrating it is as a reader to not get continual updates, but I will do my best I promise. It's sometimes hard for inspiration to strike. After all, none of us JAG fans want to write a terrible fanfic!**

**So far I've gotten (mostly) kind reviews. And I thank you for that! For those of you who aren't as nice in your reviews, I thank you too. Your critiques inspire me and hopefully they will make me a better writer. **

**Also, I do not own JAG or any of it's characters. Wish I did, because I'd make it more shipper-friendly :) **

**[Have a problem with shippers? Then don't read this story!]**

* * *

Harm was driving home after a stressful day at JAG. He worked longer today than usual to escape from the conversations he had with Mac that were replaying in his mind. Specifically the conversation they had at Admiral Chegwidden's dining out.

_"It doesn't matter to you how it happens?"_

_"It matters that it happens between the two of us. I'm tired of looking in on your life, Mac, I want to be a part of it." _

_"I can't do it."_

"Why, Mac, why?" he wondered. He turned on the radio, and a song that he didn't recognize was playing. Harm almost flipped to another station, but after listening to a few of the lyrics he left the radio alone.

It was the first verse of a song called "Two is Better Than One" by Boys Like Girls. Some band he's never heard of. For some reason, Harm liked the song, especially the line about the first day I met you, or something like that.

The song continued as Harm thought about the first time he met Mac. It was in the Rose Garden at the White House. Harm was shocked to see someone who reminded him of his dead girlfriend, Diane. But eventually his new partner became more to him than just a reminder of his lost love.

Harm loved the line about kisses. Heremembered his kisses with Mac. On the dock in Norfolk, on that rainy night when he went to confront Diane's killer. The kiss they shared at Mac's engagement party to Mic. The kiss at Bud and Harriet's house, underneath the mistletoe.

The lines about figuring out your life spoke to Harm. He knew what he had to do. He drove to Mac's apartment in Georgetown. He practically sprinted out of his car and up the stairs.

"Please open up," he thought as he knocked on her door.

"Harm?" Mac asked as she opened the door and rubbed her eyes. "It's 2334. Is everything okay?"

"Mac... I.... I love you."

Mac stood in her doorway, gasping for breath. "Did Harm just tell me he loves me? Am I dreaming?" She rubbed her eyes and pinched herself to make sure she wasn't asleep.

"Yes, Mac, you're awake," Harm answered her unspoken question.

"Is this some kind of joke?!?" Mac shut the door in his face as she ran away. Harm stuck his foot in the door. He winced in pain as he pushed open the door and walked inside.

"Mac, we have to continue this conversation. We've danced around this for 8 years now."

"What's with this sudden change of heart? Aren't you the fighter pilot who can't lose control?"

"Mac stop being cynical. I just came to your door and proclaimed my love to you and what do you do? You act like a jerk."

"OUT! NOW!" Mac yelled. Harm, sensing that he shouldn't mess with this upset Marine, quickly left the apartment. Mac slammed and locked the door before falling to the ground, sobbing.

Harm walked to his Corvette with his head down and after stumbling to unlock the door, he sat down on the leather seat. He fumbled as he attempted to put the key in the ignition.

"DAMN IT!" he screamed before throwing the key down. Covering his face with his hands, Harm just sat in the car outside of Mac's apartment.

"Mac liked me. We even had the baby deal, damn it! But I guess I was wrong. I finally admit I was right and she's being stupid. A jerk. A freaking jerk." Harm attempted to salvage what was left of his pride by ranting about Mac. "Screw this and screw her. I'm done. She can go have her baby with somebody else, but not me."

Harm picked up his keys and sped off in anger.

Mac plopped down on the couch with her knees curled up to her chest.

"I don't deserve this. I don't deserve anybody. Everytime I fall in love, something bad happens. They all die, or they break my heart. The man I've loved for _years_ finally admits the truth and what do I do? I scream at him and tell him to leave. I'm a freaking screw up. Harm probably hates me. I'm sure he does. He'll never want to speak to me again and now I've ruined everything."

Rising from the couch, Mac continued rambling as she stumbled to the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee.

"I have to fix this. I have to. I've already ruined everything; I can't lose Harm too!"

Mac stared at the window as she paced throughout her apartment. It took her hours to fall asleep.

What Mac didn't know: Harm was also having trouble sleeping.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: WOW! I've already had over 1000 hits over 3 days! I honestly wasn't expecting anyone to read this fic, but the positive response is just overwhelming! Thanks everyone! :)**

* * *

The sun shone brightly in the window the next morning as Mac awoke, slightly confused. Tossing back the covers, she scurried from bed into the bathroom.

"_What a weird dream I had last night_," Mac thought as she washed her face. "_Harm came here and said he loved me..." _

She continued to get ready for work yet she was unable to escape from her dream. On her way out the door, she noticed something: the padlock on her apartment door was unlocked. _"This can't be right. I _always_ lock this door.... Oh no. Oh no. This isn't a dream...."_

Mac had no choice but to go to work and face Harm, and the decision she made last night when she shut him out.

* * *

A sleepy Harm turned off his blaring alarm before rolling out of bed. He vividly remembered every single detail of last night as he finally confessed his love to Mac only to be pushed away, down to the look on her face as she slammed the door.

Harm contemplated calling in sick. Unfortunately he was out of sick days, thanks to a battle with the flu last month.

Harm gave himself a pep talk over his breakfast of toast and cereal. "_I can do this. I don't have to talk to her until she talks to me. If she talks to me. She made her choice and I have to live with that. This won't kill me, it will only make me stronger in the long run." _His pep talk didn't affect him; he was still in a sour mood.

Harm felt shaky and nauseated but he continued on with his morning routine.

* * *

The elevator door opened as Harm stepped off and into the bullpen. Oddly, he felt like a nervous teenager. Mac's office door was cracked open and he peeked inside as he walked to his office. Her chin was in her hands and she had a miserable look on her face.

Harm made a mental note to ask Mac how she was feeling, until he remembered the fight last night. _"It's probably better if I don't talk to her until she talks to me first."_

* * *

Admiral Chegwidden called everyone into the library for a brief run-down of today's cases.

"A petty officer, a uh... Petty Officer William Carwade, and his co-worker Petty Officer Mariella Poole, were caught by their commanding officer holding hands and kissing at a bar off-base. They have been charged with fraternization and inappropriate conduct. Lt. Commander Rabb, you will defend..."

All Mac could hear was "blah, blah, blah." She gazed at Harm, who was intently listening to the Admiral. Mac twirled her pencil around her finger as her mind wandered into space.

"Lt. Colonel Mackenzie, you will assist Rabb.... Lt. Colonel Mackenzie. Mackenzie. Earth to Mackenzie!!!!" Hearing a voice yelling her name, Mac looked up to see everyone staring at her.

"Sir?"

"I said your name three times and you did not hear me--"

"Sorry, sir... I, uh..."

"--you will be assisting Rabb."

Mac felt the urge to scream "WHAT?!? NO!!!" when she heard this, but she mustered up a "Yes sir" after she softly gasped. Admiral Chegwidden didn't notice anything and continued speaking. In fact, no one noticed Mac's gasp... except for Harm.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Please excuse any errors I may have made. I'm not in the military or legal system so the only things I know about them, I've learned from watching JAG (hah.)**

**I don't own JAG :(**

* * *

Admiral Chegwidden reclined in the plush chair in his office as he stared at the case file in front of him. He noticed that something was up between Mac and Harm. There wasn't any playful banter between them, like always. He had just assumed that they were having one of their stupid fights and that eventually they'd work it out. Which is exactly why he decided to assign them both as defense.

* * *

Mac and Harm somehow managed to avoid each other the entire day. It wasn't easy, considering they were both defending Petty Officer Carwade. Luckily Mac and Harm were both wrapping up other cases. They took lunch breaks at different times as to avoid running into one another in the cafeteria. When Mac needed a file from Harm, she sent Harriet to fetch it. Mac left work earlier than usual so she could get to her Corvette without running into him.

But before she left the office, Mac walked to Harm's office and stopped outside the door.

_"I probably should apologize about last night..."_

As she peered through a crack in the door, she noticed that Harm was too busy with his paperwork to notice she was outside.

_"Great, I've ticked him off and he's avoiding me." _

Mac speedily walked to the elevators. In her hurry to escape, her purse accidently hit the side of Harm's door, causing it to creak open. He looked up but no one was there. Standing up from his desk, he glanced outside the door and noticed Mac standing by the elevator. Everyone in the bullpen was either sitting at a desk or off running errands. Harm had a suspicious feeling that Mac was the one who hit the door.

* * *

The next morning arrived. According to Mac's internal clock, it had been approximately 33 hours and 12 minutes since she spoke to Harm. Another day without speaking to him? No such luck, thanks to the Carwade case.

Mac stopped in her office and placed her belongings on her desk. She walked to Harm's office. Although she appeared cool as a cucumber, on the inside she was dreading the confrontation to come.

Knock, knock. "Come in," Harm replied without glancing up from the file he was reading.

She stepped inside and stood in front of the desk, hoping he would notice her. He did.

"May I help you, Lt. Colonel Mackenzie?"

_"What's with his smart-elic remark?" _she thought. "Yes, you may. You can first stop being such an smart-ass--"

"Smart-ass? At least I'm not the one who slammed the door--"

"Oh so we're playing the blame game? Okay then. Well at least I didn't show up at your house late at night saying words you don't mean." Mac replied before storming out.

* * *

Mac begged the Admiral to take her off the Carwade case, claiming she was feeling sick. Admiral Chegwidden's instinct told him that Mac requested to be removed from the case because she was avoiding Harm, but he constented and sent her home to rest up.

"Hope you're feeling better in a few days. Go home and get well soon. Dismissed."

_"The only thing I'm sick of is fighting with Harm."_

* * *

At home, Mac watched soap operas she hadn't seen in years. But no matter what she did, she couldn't stop thinking about Harm. Everything reminded her of him: the cheesy soap opera scenes where the girl and guy finally confess their love to one another; the kitchen table where they sat so often, discussing cases. Mac's dream during her nap was about the fight.

Mac called her favorite girl for advice: Chloe.

"Hey Chlo."

"MAC!!!! I miss you!!!!"

"I miss you too sweetheart. How was school today?"

"It was great!"

Mac and Chloe continued with general chit-chat. That is, until Chloe asked why Mac was home from work so early.

"I, uhhh, wasn't feeling well." Mac's voice changed pitch, a sure sign she was lying.

Chloe could tell something was wrong. "Okay, what happened between you and Harm?"

Somehow there was no denying the truth from a teenager. _I swear that girl is so good, she would make a great spook. _Before she knew it, Mac was telling Chloe every detail about their fight.

"Wait wait wait. He said he LOVED YOU? Oh my gosh Mac!!! Why didn't you say you loved him? It's what you've been waiting for, right?"

"Yeah, but... I, I just couldn't. I don't deserve a guy like him."

"Shut up. Any guy would be lucky enough to date you. You're gorgeous, smart, and you'll make a great mom someday."

"Well... I guess you're right..."

"Mac, do you love him?"

No answer. "I'll take that as a yes. Call him and tell him you love him too." Chloe replied with a smug grin on her face.

* * *

Mac scrolled through her address book on her phone, looking for Harm's number. It was pointless, because she memorized his number ages ago, but she did it nonetheless. As her finger hovered over the call key, there was a knock on the door. Assuming it was the Chinese food she ordered 35 minutes ago, Mac put down the phone, grabbed her wallet, and opened the door.

It wasn't her food. It was Harm.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: I'm not quite sure what season I set this episode in, if any. (As some of you know, I have only watched up to Season 6-- but I have read general spoilers for the later seasons so I know what eventually happens. I'm getting Seasons 7-9 for Christmas! Yippee!) **

**There are two references to certain episodes in here... I will post the answers below in case you want to do a scavenger hunt lol.**

**I love everyone's positive reviews! :) I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**I don't own JAG :[**

* * *

Mac felt the urge to run away, like she had done so many times before. Yet something inside of her told her that running wasn't the answer. Look where it had gotten her before: sitting alone in her dark apartment when she should be out enjoying herself.

Mac didn't say a word to Harm as she pulled open the door and let him in, for fear that she would say something wrong and end up back at square one.

"Hey. The Admiral told me you were sick. Thought this would make you feel better, even if it is no good for you." Harm held up a greasy fast-food bag full of Beltway Burgers before sitting it on Mac's kitchen countertop. He knew that those cholestoral-filled blobs of fat and grease that she called food wouldn't help her get over whatever illness she was suffering from; he brought them as a peace offering from their latest fights, and as a comfort food or whatever.

Harm paced around the apartment as Mac ate. This nervousness was something Harm never experienced. Okay, well he has felt a little nervous before, but he could always control his nerves. Like when he's landing a Tomcat on the flight deck. Usually he felt a jolt of excitement as he felt the F14 catch the wires. But not this time. This was more like landing on a storm-tossed carrier. Harm knew if he were flying right now, he would strike the deck.

Neither one said anything as Mac continued chewing her burger. After swallowing, Mac was the first to break the silence.

"Listen, Harm... I was a bitch. And I'm sorry. I just...."

He stopped pacing. "No, Mac. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking when I came over that night and said all those things... I think we both know even thought I finally let go, that noose is still hanging around my neck." Harm referenced an earlier conversation about their relationship that they had at Mac's engagment party to Mic.

Mac stared at the Beltway Burger in her hand and slowly bit off little pieces. She didn't say anything to Harm, nor was she thinking anything. In fact, she didn't know what to think.

The only sounds in the apartment were their breathing. Mac was now staring at the table; the burger was gone. Time seemed to be standing still.

"I, uh, well, uh.... I've got to be going." Harm stuttered as he paced to the door. "You know where to find me." He stopped in the doorframe. "Bye, Sarah."

After she heard the door click shut, she finally let out the breath she didn't know she was holding. "Goodbye, Harmon."

* * *

After hours of tossing and turning, Mac stared at the clock on her nightstand. This was pointless, because her internal clock told her it was 0213. Her eyes were glazy as she stared into space. Mindlessly, she wandered around her apartment. She picked up her brown winter jacket and threw it over her fleece pajamas. She slipped on a pair of blue tennis shoes and grabbed her keys. She was out the door, driving.

Driving settled her mind. Often, she would sing along to the radio. The songs always reflected her moods. Other times she would hold an entire one-sided conversation with those talk show hosts that nobody liked. Where did she drive? Nowhere in particular. One time she drove all the way to Annapolis and back during one of her midnight outings. Sometimes she'd drive to the Jefferson Memorial and watch the Potomac from the steps.

Tonight she was driving on automatic pilot. Her brain knew exactly where to take her, even though she wasn't thinking. It was second nature to her, this place where she was headed.

She parked her shiny Corvette in an alley north of Union Station...

**Authors Note: See the reference to the Season 3 opener? And the reference to Lifeline? :)**

**P.S. Sorry to leave you with yet another cliffhanger, but I'm not quite sure where I want things to go! I promise I will lay off the cliffhangers!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Everyday I'm amazed by the readers' kind comments. Thank you so much!**

**I think I've finally tied up this Harm/Mac saga! Don't worry though, I will write a sequel! :)**

**Look for a few quotes that I borrowed from certain episodes. I will post below which ones they are from!**

**Finally, I don't own JAG :[**

* * *

She couldn't do it. Mac sat in her Corvette, in that alley north of Union Station, for 23 minutes and 17 seconds. She didn't want to face her feelings for Harm-- she just wanted to run away.

As she turned the ignition on and put the 'Vette in drive, something inside her snapped. She went into drill instructor mode, like the time she and Harm were investigating a case on that submarine and she snapped at those sailors. _Man up, Marine. You never back down from a challenge._

Mac turned off the car and entered the apartment building. Not to confess her love for Harm, but to give him a taste of his own medicine. Okay, so maybe it did mean confessing her love to him, but she just wanted to see how he would react. _We'll probably have another fight and Harmon the Hero will go off saving the day doing who knows what. Fine by me. _Mac wasn't aware that she was angry at him because she didn't want to get hurt by him.

* * *

Harm was replaying the latest fight with Mac in his mind, over and over again. "_You know where to find me... Bye, Sarah."_ Funny how he and Mac barely spoke tonight yet it was their worst fight.

Harm couldn't live with himself. He knew there was one solution to the whole problem-- run away. Run to the one woman who knew him best-- Grandma Sarah Rabb. It was too late to call, but if he left now he would arrive in Pennsylvania in the afternoon.

Harm packed a duffel bag before dashing out the door. In his haste, he didn't realize he ran into something, or someone. He snatched up his bag as he lifted himself from the ground. Harm continued to speed down the hallway, ignoring the woman he knocked to the ground, except to offer a quick apology.

"Harm."

He turned around, recognizing the voice who said his name. It was Mac.

His heart skipped a beat. His throat was dry as the Sahara. "M...Mac?"

"I was gonna say I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by, but um, there's nothing in your neighborhood."

"You want to talk?"

"That would be good."

They went back to Harm's apartment to finish their conversation. Mac sat on the couch while Harm stood up. Harm glanced around the room, thankful that it wasn't a mess.

Mac suddenly felt tired of all her arguments with Harm. She didn't feel like leading him through another one of her puzzling word-games. For the first time in her life, Mac spoke exactly what was on her mind.

"I'm tired of dancing around this.... Us. You flirt with me and lead me on. But the moment another woman shows interest, you're sleeping with her."

Harm gazed absentmindly as Mac's words flooded his ears.

"Either you can stop this meaningless flirtation, or--"

Harm stooped down to the couch, grabbed Mac by the shoulders, and stared into her eyes.

"I say exactly what I mean. You mean everything to me. Every day I get to the office early just to see your smile and hear your laugh. I'm tired of looking in on your life. I want to be a part of it. I love you, Sarah."

This was exactly what Mac wanted -- needed -- to hear. To know that she wasn't just imagining that Harm was in love with her. After years working together, they finally were able to tell each other how they feel.

Harm and Mac shared a passionate kiss before moving to Harm's bedroom, where they spent the night just sleeping in each other's arms.

~The End~

**Author's Note: The 'borrowed' quotes are all from flashback scenes in The Four Percent Solution. I'm not quite sure what episodes they were originally in, though. (I know one is Admiral Chegwidden's dining out in Hail and Farewell.)**


End file.
